Mental Health |OT2| - Light in the Darkness

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Symphonia

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Saying this as a fellow forever-aloner...and even then I can't say it'll be forever for us.

Sorry ur going thru those thoughts m8
Nah, I’m never enough for anyone. Like, I know this is a weird example, but I see girls getting comments from guys on Twitter or Instagram, and they’re loving the attention. But if I make a comment (that is far less lewd than the others) it’s seen as creepy and they remove the post or even block me. Like am I really that fucking ugly?

I wake up most mornings and just feel like I’ve achieved nothing with my life and never will. I have no purpose in life. I may as well just give up.
 

How About No

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Nah, I’m never enough for anyone. Like, I know this is a weird example, but I see girls getting comments from guys on Twitter or Instagram, and they’re loving the attention. But if I make a comment (that is far less lewd than the others) it’s seen as creepy and they remove the post or even block me. Like am I really that fucking ugly?

I wake up most mornings and just feel like I’ve achieved nothing with my life and never will. I have no purpose in life. I may as well just give up.

who gives a fuck about assholes on twitter
 

GameAddict411

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I am pretty sure I am suffering from general anxiety disorder. I get stressed very easily from worrying about my future, to worrying about my health. The word worrying is really an understatement. I can get obsessive about things in my life especially my health. Any symptoms or pain I experience my brain immediately jumps to worse case scenario. From regenerative nerve disease to cancer. I did about 9 months of therapy at my school and it really helped. But the counselors didn't work over the summer. So I haven't really had a session in 3 months. I still do remember the things I was taught like mindfulness, and recognizing when I am catastrophizing, but it's been tough for sure even with those. I think my general health is just declining from the stress I am putting my body through. I won't be surprised that this stress will prematurely kill me one day. Any advice guys?
 

sam12

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Those good looking, living a great life people on social media are the fakest people there is. Seriously, it's incredibly sad and pathetic the length people go to just to make themselves appear happy. Social media is all about " ME, ME, MEEEEEE!!!! LOOK AT MEEEEE!!!". I have a decent number of people on FB and most of them are completely different in real life then they portray themselves to be. I have one person that has 800 plus friends on FB. Everyday she post these perfectly edited photos of herself, she post of every place she goes to and brags about all the amazing things she does. In reality, she only has a few friends and they barely hang with her becasue they are all getting married, having kids, or moving away. She doesn't do nearly half the cool stuff she says she's doing , and in the few times I hang with her, she looks miserable/ bored, but is posting on media what shes doing and how great it is. Social media IS NOT the place you should be looking at to be comparing your life. The people who arent glued to there phones and posting 24/7 are the ones who are happiest in life.

You know what man? I've gone thru a serious depression the last 4 plus years. Many times I thought EXACTLY like you. Always seeing how happy I thought other people were and thinking my life was a waste as I didn't have as many friends as them, wasn't doing cool stuff like them, wasn't as good looking as them, etc. Then one day, I realized "Why the fuck do I care?". I'm just gonna do the things that make me happy, cut out all the negative people around me ( Even people who I thought were my best friends) and roll with it. And honestly, it was tough for a few months, but now I'm ALOT more happier now.
I live life at my pace, I do the things I love without getting judged, and along the way, I've met some people that I can call friends. The older you get, the less you give a shit. you start to realize people move on in life and most people dont care what you look like, how many FB friends you have, what stupid shit you do on the weekends, what stupid shit you bought, how perfect your life is, etc... I know it sounds cliched, but do what makes you happy and do it at to your pace. It will open doors that you thought didnt exist. You know what I enjoy doing? Reading GAF, playing video games, watching Game of Thrones and Dragonball super and talking about it with the folks on GAF, building shit around the house, playing with my dog, once in a blue moon play D&D with people, etc.... Boring shit. Boring shit is what most people think I do, but you know what, it makes me happy. Just do your thing and stop caring what the world thinks. You'll feel better eventually and then your really gonna go places in life.

I echo this. Have been battling depression for the past 10 years, but there comes a time where you have to stop comparing yourself to others and just do what you enjoy. I was so far gone where I made horrible decisions that I wouldn't dream of doing, but life felt so gloomy all the time with no hope/happiness. This summer I moved back home and looking to start life fresh. I had a few weeks off as I quit my job and looked for a new job near my home. I thought back to what I loved when I was a kid and some things popped in my mind. I started going to the beach, literally every other day for 4 weeks I went to the beach and played around in the ocean/waves and sat peacefully at the beach. I wondered why during those 10 years I had not gone as the beach is only a 10 minute drive. I also started playing tennis. I liked the sport when I was younger but truly got addicted to it with the US open series that aired last month. I started playing with my father and now it's something we look forward to doing at least 2-3 times a week. I also started running in the park, same like I used to when I was entering college as s teen. Other things I hope to get involved in would be yoga, working out/lifting, cooking, reading more books and hopefully traveling. I am not out of depression but I do look forward to these moments where I see myself doing what I have always liked but sadly neglected in the past 10 years. Please do something, anything that makes YOU happy.
 

wandering

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I'm kind of missing the days when my depression was just general gloom and not all-consuming obsession with my specific insecurities. I'm falling apart.
 

besada

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I don't know what to do with myself. Mental hospitals are a waste of money. Going back would disrupt my living conditions that suck to begin with. Antidepressants give me panic attacks. Therapy doesn't work for me.

Talk to your psychiatrist about trying a mood stabilizer. I'm bipolar II. When I first talked to my GP about the symptoms I had, she prescribed Lexapro, which was great at first, because it helped the apocalyptic depression, but my anxiety got worse and worse. So she upped the dose. Then I began having multiple daily panic attacks. So she put me on klonopin, which made me feel like a zombie and did nothing to stop the panic attacks.

After some real unpleasantness including rapid cycling and persistent mixed episodes, I saw a psychiatrist, and he noted that he had a lot of patients misdiagnosed with simple depression, and that anti-depressants for biploar people had a tendency to help the depressive cycle and make the hypomanic cycle much worse.

I started taking Trileptal as a mood stabilizer, and it was like night and day. The anti-depressant worked for the depression, and the mood stabilizer kept it from causing the hypomania to spiral out of control. It literally saved my life and my marriage. The side effects of it are minor, but it apparently only works for about half of bipolar men. But there are certainly other mood stabilizers out there without the horrific side-effects one expected of lithium.

I'm not certain, of course, if any og this pertains to your issues, but the thing that caught my eye was the anti-depressants making your anxiety worse. So give it a try. The best thing is that Trileptal doesn't take a six week come-up, so you'll know if it helps after a couple of days.
 

Qwarktastic

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Hi everyone. I don't post often because I'm afraid of expressing myself in English, but I really needed to do it for a while and I'm not sure if this is the right thread for it. Anyway, about a year ago my girlfriend left me out of nowhere to go live with her mother in our home country. We were together for 6 years and had plans to go live there together. We were young when we met and couldn't live together until last year when we made our plans to finally make a future together ( which we always talked about during the years we were together). So she waited until 2 days after my birthday and said that she had to leave very soon, that she loved me but wasn't happy with life in this country, that even if I made her happy it wasn't enough. I never felt so betrayed in my life, she was everything to me, I trusted her with my life. I was / kinda still am devastated. Is it normal to still dream about her sometimes ? And I can't move on, I'm trying to get myself to start dating but I just can't muster the courage for it, I'm so afraid of trusting someone again, I'm constantly debating with myself if I'm normal, if maybe I'm just never going to trust someone again. I don't even feel attracted to women and it's making me crazy and thinking if I'm asexual or something. I apologize if this isn't the right place to vent, I didn't want to make yet another thread talking about a break up.
 

Violet_0

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Literally every other guy on this fucking planet is wanted or loved or needed

man, I wish

--
let's say I want to get tested for ADHD, how would I go about that? There's a clinic specialized in diagnosing ADHD, but they're completely overwhelmed with new requests and won't take in any more patients if they don't get checked and sent there by a psychiatrist first. So, should I look online for a qualified specialist, make an appointment, see what they have to say? Can I go straight to them, or do I have to see a psychologists first? From what I understand, psychatrists are short on time and rely on the psychologists to do the ground work for them
 

Polydeuces

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so tired but my brain still works. Its weird being in your 20s
 

Alucard

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I'm just going to leave this here. I've found these Buddhist guidelines to be really helpful in centering myself and just being more aware of my place in the universe and how to be happy and healthy in it. Just exist, man.

10-to-Zen.jpg
 
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I've read the reply to my last post, but I don't think I agree.

Went to the University fair yesterday and it any lingering ambiguous hope I had of getting somewhere. Even if I do get over my average marks that I don't feel like are gonna improve with any amount of studying, my lack of community involvement and any extra-curricular activities guarantees my cut-off to disappoint my family. Any attempt I make now in the 4-month window that I do have of trying to "show leadership" is shot down by my lack of social skills and whatnot. My loneliness with the few friends I do have will only be furthered when high school is over, and my chances of asking the girl I like out is fleeting and is hopeless. The best I can do for now is try to keep my marks up and maintain the passing moments of peace of mind that comes by once in a while and help my friends reach the goals they've worked hard for. But, the worst part of all this is the fact that, in spite of all the hopelessness of my situation seems, I feel far from the brink of taking my life. I have a plan thought up; I know what I would do. Just like a lot of people, am too much of a coward to go through with it. I hope to meet the end sooner than later so I can realize why I live.
 

sibarraz

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I have always been scared of psychiatrists (sorry if I wrote this wrong, don't know how it is said in english) I have rarely heard people being better with anti depressants
 

neojubei

Will drop pants for Sony.
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Nah, I’m never enough for anyone. Like, I know this is a weird example, but I see girls getting comments from guys on Twitter or Instagram, and they’re loving the attention. But if I make a comment (that is far less lewd than the others) it’s seen as creepy and they remove the post or even block me. Like am I really that fucking ugly?

I wake up most mornings and just feel like I’ve achieved nothing with my life and never will. I have no purpose in life. I may as well just give up.

i know how you feel.
 

Spectone

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I have always been scared of psychiatrists (sorry if I wrote this wrong, don't know how it is said in english) I have rarely heard people being better with anti depressants

Why are you scared of psychiatrists?
 

Booker Dewitt

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What are you planning on doing 40 mins from your house at the baseball field? Around here (tennessee) there are crisis centers you can go to to self admit to mental hospitals. Or you can go to ER.

I doubt you'll be allowed cigs.
Rather not do it at at my house and have a bunch of flashing lights disrupt the night or my job.

Ill search for crisis centers nearby, but I'd rather not use a car and have my family go through the trouble of having to pick it up...

And yeah, expecting it, but why not be prepared.
 
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I have always been scared of psychiatrists (sorry if I wrote this wrong, don't know how it is said in english) I have rarely heard people being better with anti depressants
I understand how you feel about psychiatrists. I'm not seeing one not but I've gone a handful of times in the past. I once hid behind a dumpster when I was late and I saw her coming out of her office. I really should be seeing one though. And for what it's worth, Lexapro has helped me a whole lot.
 

Hamarr

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Do any of you know a good book for emotionally unavailable fathers that's either gender neutral or aimed at men? Most of the books I have found on Amazon are aimed specifically at women.

I saw a great book about emtionally absent mothers recommended that helped me to understand some of the attitudes about myself, but have also come to realize that some of those ideas also come from my father not being around. I'm hoping there's a book that can help with tips on healing or working through it.

The only book so far that I found that was aimed at men so far was a book written for Christians called "Wild at Heart". I was hoping to find something that has more of a scientific/clinical take on the issue.
 

AdanVC

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Been feeling pretty down and depressive the last few weeks and I've doing this thing lately of going to any kind of fast food restaurant to treat myself or to "compensate for all the sadness". Just this last week I got fast food for lunch for 4 days straight and on friday, I went to McDonalds and bought an XL combo. I can't even finish the fries on a small combo but I managed to finish everything this time, I could barely walk after that! Either way, now I'm afraid of getting overweight by doing this due to my depression... I write this because right now I'm VERY tempted to get some McDonalds for lunch again. It's funny because right now, I'm not overweight and I tend to eat moderately, I used to get fast food like once or two times per month, but now it's been almost a daily thing D: It affect my wallet too.. Sigh.
 

Hey_Blinkin

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After having a consistently "good" week for the first time in what seems like forever, reality kind of came crashing down again today. For the last 15 years I feel like I've had basically two modes. The "good" one is blissful ignorance. I come home from work, maybe watch some porn, then just play some games, browse the web, watch some Netflix, etc. Just whatever I feel like doing that night. I accomplish absolutely nothing. Which I kinda feel would be fine if I wasn't a 35 year old underachiever living week to week on an entry level job with no friends and no social life. I've never even been in a relationship. No goals or ambitions, just doing whatever pleases me that day. Just a middle-aged manchild living alone in a small apartment without a care in the world.

The second mode is being painfully aware of all my shortcomings. Anxiety fueled days of replaying awkward social encounters or embarrassing moments over and over again. Fantasizing about situations I'll never be in or with women I'll never be with. There are also suicidal thoughts sprinkled in throughout the day. I basically do nothing but sit around full of self pity just trying to remind myself that there are people that have it so much worse than me. Thinking of ways to improve myself only to never actually do any of them. But just the fact that I know I need to change seems so important.

Some days are a mix of the two. It'll start out fine and then something incredibly insignificant will flip me over to the depressed version. It's sometimes amazing how low self esteem can grasp on to the smallest look, or lack thereof and ruin a day, or even a week. Or how social anxiety can make even the smallest interaction with another person into an anxious mental meltdown. All while maintaining my stoic appearance so no one will know of the circus going on in my head.

The odd thing is, I think I pity the blissfully ignorant version of myself more. The one who just lives so freely without a care in the world. While it's certainly easier to live that way, it gets me nowhere. And then I try to justify feeling like shit, by saying at least this version of me, the depressed one, is aware of how fucked up he is. Only to realize this version of me also hasn't made any progress. It's still the same fucked up person stuck in life, only miserable. But again, at least he knows he needs to change if he wants to make anything of his life.

You can probably guess which mode I'm in right now. I'm sitting here alone in my apartment trying to decide if it's even worth it anymore. I tell myself over and over again that if I only had someone to share my life with, maybe it would get better. Maybe if I had someone to live for, to provide for that it would give me the drive to go on. As you can guess, I'm not exactly a catch. And I'm such an introvert these days that that special someone would have to damn near literally fall into my lap. To be honest that's really the only thing that gives me hope anymore. The thought of maybe falling in love and living "happily ever after". As much as cynic and realist I feel I've become, that's one thing that I've held onto somehow.

I say all this because I feel like I have found ways to steer myself towards the blissfully ignorant version of myself. I've found ways to block out the negative shit, and started to notice and avoid the things that make me feel down. When I type those things, it almost seems ridiculous to put that into a negative connotation. But the idea of living so carelessly without the hope or need of improvement scares the hell out of me. I know that version of me will never get anywhere, because of how content he is with a lonely, isolated, pathetic, life as long as it's feel with distractions like games and media. He'll come home, play 4 hours of Hearthstone, browse the web, and do it all over again tomorrow and not care a bit.

If you've actually managed to read all of this, then thank you. If you haven't noticed I'm a bit confused right now, and should most definitely be in therapy. Sometime It just makes me feel better to get these thoughts out. So I guess in a way you're my therapists today.
 

Qwarktastic

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After having a consistently "good" week for the first time in what seems like forever, reality kind of came crashing down again today. For the last 15 years I feel like I've had basically two modes. The "good" one is blissful ignorance. I come home from work, maybe watch some porn, then just play some games, browse the web, watch some Netflix, etc. Just whatever I feel like doing that night. I accomplish absolutely nothing. Which I kinda feel would be fine if I wasn't a 35 year old underachiever living week to week on an entry level job with no friends and no social life. I've never even been in a relationship. No goals or ambitions, just doing whatever pleases me that day. Just a middle-aged manchild living alone in a small apartment without a care in the world.

The second mode is being painfully aware of all my shortcomings. Anxiety fueled days of replaying awkward social encounters or embarrassing moments over and over again. Fantasizing about situations I'll never be in or with women I'll never be with. There are also suicidal thoughts sprinkled in throughout the day. I basically do nothing but sit around full of self pity just trying to remind myself that there are people that have it so much worse than me. Thinking of ways to improve myself only to never actually do any of them. But just the fact that I know I need to change seems so important.

Some days are a mix of the two. It'll start out fine and then something incredibly insignificant will flip me over to the depressed version. It's sometimes amazing how low self esteem can grasp on to the smallest look, or lack thereof and ruin a day, or even a week. Or how social anxiety can make even the smallest interaction with another person into an anxious mental meltdown. All while maintaining my stoic appearance so no one will know of the circus going on in my head.

The odd thing is, I think I pity the blissfully ignorant version of myself more. The one who just lives so freely without a care in the world. While it's certainly easier to live that way, it gets me nowhere. And then I try to justify feeling like shit, by saying at least this version of me, the depressed one, is aware of how fucked up he is. Only to realize this version of me also hasn't made any progress. It's still the same fucked up person stuck in life, only miserable. But again, at least he knows he needs to change if he wants to make anything of his life.

You can probably guess which mode I'm in right now. I'm sitting here alone in my apartment trying to decide if it's even worth it anymore. I tell myself over and over again that if I only had someone to share my life with, maybe it would get better. Maybe if I had someone to live for, to provide for that it would give me the drive to go on. As you can guess, I'm not exactly a catch. And I'm such an introvert these days that that special someone would have to damn near literally fall into my lap. To be honest that's really the only thing that gives me hope anymore. The thought of maybe falling in love and living "happily ever after". As much as cynic and realist I feel I've become, that's one thing that I've held onto somehow.

I say all this because I feel like I have found ways to steer myself towards the blissfully ignorant version of myself. I've found ways to block out the negative shit, and started to notice and avoid the things that make me feel down. When I type those things, it almost seems ridiculous to put that into a negative connotation. But the idea of living so carelessly without the hope or need of improvement scares the hell out of me. I know that version of me will never get anywhere, because of how content he is with a lonely, isolated, pathetic, life as long as it's feel with distractions like games and media. He'll come home, play 4 hours of Hearthstone, browse the web, and do it all over again tomorrow and not care a bit.

If you've actually managed to read all of this, then thank you. If you haven't noticed I'm a bit confused right now, and should most definitely be in therapy. Sometime It just makes me feel better to get these thoughts out. So I guess in a way you're my therapists today.

I read everything you wrote and I sincerely hope your situation improves, try writing more often maybe it will help you realize that you need exterior help to vanquish this dark side of yours. Sorry if my advice was kinda weak, I'm not going to pretend I know exactly what you need to do. Every one in this planet is a little bit fucked up in their head, but some are better than others at hiding it, I hope that cheers you up at least :).
 

wandering

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I was just prescribed 20mg Paxil and 150mg Wellbutrin. Anyone have experience with this combo before? I've been on Wellbutrin but never Paxil.
 

RoyaleDuke

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My mom lost her job.

We're probably going to be homeless.
 
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Man contemplating suicide is some crazy shit. I think I should stop drinking. I don't want to, but I want to.

Like legit went crazy today. Almost drove my car into a semi. Such is life for Puck Beaverton,
 

redlegs87

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Man contemplating suicide is some crazy shit. I think I should stop drinking. I don't want to, but I want to.

Like legit went crazy today. Almost drove my car into a semi. Such is life for Puck Beaverton,

Yeah it's probably a good idea to lay off the booze it'll just make you more depressed. I hope you can find a level place in your life soon.
 

BlueSummers

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After having a consistently "good" week for the first time in what seems like forever, reality kind of came crashing down again today. For the last 15 years I feel like I've had basically two modes. The "good" one is blissful ignorance. I come home from work, maybe watch some porn, then just play some games, browse the web, watch some Netflix, etc. Just whatever I feel like doing that night. I accomplish absolutely nothing. Which I kinda feel would be fine if I wasn't a 35 year old underachiever living week to week on an entry level job with no friends and no social life. I've never even been in a relationship. No goals or ambitions, just doing whatever pleases me that day. Just a middle-aged manchild living alone in a small apartment without a care in the world.

The second mode is being painfully aware of all my shortcomings. Anxiety fueled days of replaying awkward social encounters or embarrassing moments over and over again. Fantasizing about situations I'll never be in or with women I'll never be with. There are also suicidal thoughts sprinkled in throughout the day. I basically do nothing but sit around full of self pity just trying to remind myself that there are people that have it so much worse than me. Thinking of ways to improve myself only to never actually do any of them. But just the fact that I know I need to change seems so important.

Some days are a mix of the two. It'll start out fine and then something incredibly insignificant will flip me over to the depressed version. It's sometimes amazing how low self esteem can grasp on to the smallest look, or lack thereof and ruin a day, or even a week. Or how social anxiety can make even the smallest interaction with another person into an anxious mental meltdown. All while maintaining my stoic appearance so no one will know of the circus going on in my head.

The odd thing is, I think I pity the blissfully ignorant version of myself more. The one who just lives so freely without a care in the world. While it's certainly easier to live that way, it gets me nowhere. And then I try to justify feeling like shit, by saying at least this version of me, the depressed one, is aware of how fucked up he is. Only to realize this version of me also hasn't made any progress. It's still the same fucked up person stuck in life, only miserable. But again, at least he knows he needs to change if he wants to make anything of his life.

You can probably guess which mode I'm in right now. I'm sitting here alone in my apartment trying to decide if it's even worth it anymore. I tell myself over and over again that if I only had someone to share my life with, maybe it would get better. Maybe if I had someone to live for, to provide for that it would give me the drive to go on. As you can guess, I'm not exactly a catch. And I'm such an introvert these days that that special someone would have to damn near literally fall into my lap. To be honest that's really the only thing that gives me hope anymore. The thought of maybe falling in love and living "happily ever after". As much as cynic and realist I feel I've become, that's one thing that I've held onto somehow.

I say all this because I feel like I have found ways to steer myself towards the blissfully ignorant version of myself. I've found ways to block out the negative shit, and started to notice and avoid the things that make me feel down. When I type those things, it almost seems ridiculous to put that into a negative connotation. But the idea of living so carelessly without the hope or need of improvement scares the hell out of me. I know that version of me will never get anywhere, because of how content he is with a lonely, isolated, pathetic, life as long as it's feel with distractions like games and media. He'll come home, play 4 hours of Hearthstone, browse the web, and do it all over again tomorrow and not care a bit.

If you've actually managed to read all of this, then thank you. If you haven't noticed I'm a bit confused right now, and should most definitely be in therapy. Sometime It just makes me feel better to get these thoughts out. So I guess in a way you're my therapists today.

I read all of this and this sounds like me to a T, except I do have a girlfriend and we have been in a 8 year relationship. I also am only 50 days clean from a 5 year drug addiction. I blamed the drugs for so long that I forgot that just "me" is a bipolar mess as well. The days when I'm happy I'm just like you. I go to work, come home, play some games, watch Netflix, browse FB and Gaf and I'm happy. Today, I'm jealous of my girlfriends little sister's new boyfriend, I feel super ugly and out of shape, I still live paycheck to paycheck and I can't even afford a Switch right now. Things are really not that bad, but I think that's just relative to how bad they were when I was a drug addict. I compared myself to such a low bar for so long and now that I'm getting back into the world again and TRYING to be happy, it just shows how fleeting my mental health is and how long of a road I still have, but trust me man finding and having a gf will not fix who you are or the problems you have. Don't even get me started on my jealously issues and how scared I am that (even though I'm considered the "attractive" one in the relationship) she will cheat on me..just having a gf brings about it's own set of problems. I guess that sounds negative because we do love each other but I'm just saying it's not a cure all or a happily ever after situation. Not even 50% of the time ;) (that divorce rate though...lol..)
 

brianjones

Member
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After having a consistently "good" week for the first time in what seems like forever, reality kind of came crashing down again today. For the last 15 years I feel like I've had basically two modes. The "good" one is blissful ignorance. I come home from work, maybe watch some porn, then just play some games, browse the web, watch some Netflix, etc. Just whatever I feel like doing that night. I accomplish absolutely nothing. Which I kinda feel would be fine if I wasn't a 35 year old underachiever living week to week on an entry level job with no friends and no social life. I've never even been in a relationship. No goals or ambitions, just doing whatever pleases me that day. Just a middle-aged manchild living alone in a small apartment without a care in the world.

The second mode is being painfully aware of all my shortcomings. Anxiety fueled days of replaying awkward social encounters or embarrassing moments over and over again. Fantasizing about situations I'll never be in or with women I'll never be with. There are also suicidal thoughts sprinkled in throughout the day. I basically do nothing but sit around full of self pity just trying to remind myself that there are people that have it so much worse than me. Thinking of ways to improve myself only to never actually do any of them. But just the fact that I know I need to change seems so important.

Some days are a mix of the two. It'll start out fine and then something incredibly insignificant will flip me over to the depressed version. It's sometimes amazing how low self esteem can grasp on to the smallest look, or lack thereof and ruin a day, or even a week. Or how social anxiety can make even the smallest interaction with another person into an anxious mental meltdown. All while maintaining my stoic appearance so no one will know of the circus going on in my head.

The odd thing is, I think I pity the blissfully ignorant version of myself more. The one who just lives so freely without a care in the world. While it's certainly easier to live that way, it gets me nowhere. And then I try to justify feeling like shit, by saying at least this version of me, the depressed one, is aware of how fucked up he is. Only to realize this version of me also hasn't made any progress. It's still the same fucked up person stuck in life, only miserable. But again, at least he knows he needs to change if he wants to make anything of his life.

You can probably guess which mode I'm in right now. I'm sitting here alone in my apartment trying to decide if it's even worth it anymore. I tell myself over and over again that if I only had someone to share my life with, maybe it would get better. Maybe if I had someone to live for, to provide for that it would give me the drive to go on. As you can guess, I'm not exactly a catch. And I'm such an introvert these days that that special someone would have to damn near literally fall into my lap. To be honest that's really the only thing that gives me hope anymore. The thought of maybe falling in love and living "happily ever after". As much as cynic and realist I feel I've become, that's one thing that I've held onto somehow.

I say all this because I feel like I have found ways to steer myself towards the blissfully ignorant version of myself. I've found ways to block out the negative shit, and started to notice and avoid the things that make me feel down. When I type those things, it almost seems ridiculous to put that into a negative connotation. But the idea of living so carelessly without the hope or need of improvement scares the hell out of me. I know that version of me will never get anywhere, because of how content he is with a lonely, isolated, pathetic, life as long as it's feel with distractions like games and media. He'll come home, play 4 hours of Hearthstone, browse the web, and do it all over again tomorrow and not care a bit.

If you've actually managed to read all of this, then thank you. If you haven't noticed I'm a bit confused right now, and should most definitely be in therapy. Sometime It just makes me feel better to get these thoughts out. So I guess in a way you're my therapists today.

I feel like you described me to a T, except at least you have your own place

I dont really know what the answer is.. im trying to work and go to school right now, but coming home at the end of the day really depresses me because im lacking any positive affirmation for what i'm doing. I often get thoughts of "whats the point". people who work long hours and come home to their families must have a different sensation than this surely.

id always thought finding a relationship would give me something to live for but I know thats an unfair burden to place on someone and nobody wants that pressure

if getting laid or finding a meaningful relationship is about being in the right place and saying the right things then im doing it wrong.

I feel like im just kind of doing the bare minimum in life until something catastrophic happens and forces my hand
 

kaioshade

Member
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Pretty much at the end of my rope here. I have a decent enough job, wife, friends, games to play...

And i have resumed cutting myself. I see everyone around me, doing great things, looking amazing, being loved. I don’t feel any of those things. Most days i just put on a smile and pretend everything is alright. Inside i just think of the fastest way to end my life. The only thing keeping me alive is not being able to help my loved ones. If not for that, i would have ended things ages ago.

I’m tired of fighting, tired of failing. And tired of feeling like im worthless and have no redeeming qualities. I question whether my wife is with me because she actually loves me, or am i the comfort zone at this point.

I just want to feel like im worth it to someone.
 

mrkgoo

Member
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Pretty much at the end of my rope here. I have a decent enough job, wife, friends, games to play...

And i have resumed cutting myself. I see everyone around me, doing great things, looking amazing, being loved. I don’t feel any of those things. Most days i just put on a smile and pretend everything is alright. Inside i just think of the fastest way to end my life. The only thing keeping me alive is not being able to help my loved ones. If not for that, i would have ended things ages ago.

I’m tired of fighting, tired of failing. And tired of feeling like im worthless and have no redeeming qualities. I question whether my wife is with me because she actually loves me, or am i the comfort zone at this point.

I just want to feel like im worth it to someone.

Nothing wrong with comfort zone. In my books that's a good term not a bad one.

At any rate, you are worth it to many people.
 

mrkgoo

Member
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Been feeling pretty down and depressive the last few weeks and I've doing this thing lately of going to any kind of fast food restaurant to treat myself or to "compensate for all the sadness". Just this last week I got fast food for lunch for 4 days straight and on friday, I went to McDonalds and bought an XL combo. I can't even finish the fries on a small combo but I managed to finish everything this time, I could barely walk after that! Either way, now I'm afraid of getting overweight by doing this due to my depression... I write this because right now I'm VERY tempted to get some McDonalds for lunch again. It's funny because right now, I'm not overweight and I tend to eat moderately, I used to get fast food like once or two times per month, but now it's been almost a daily thing D: It affect my wallet too.. Sigh.

Realise that the salt and fat make that kind of food mildly addictive and you crave it.

Fight it!
 

kaioshade

Member
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Nothing wrong with comfort zone. In my books that's a good term not a bad one.

At any rate, you are worth it to many people.

I’m trying to believe that. Some days are better than others. Other days i feel if i went and disappeared, no one would really give a shit and just be like “oh well” and move on.
 

mrkgoo

Member
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I’m trying to believe that. Some days are better than others. Other days i feel if i went and disappeared, no one would really give a shit and just be like “oh well” and move on.

On a cosmic scale that may be true....but that makes it all the more important that you don't disappear. there's plenty of time in the universe where it will be without you, and a mere fleeting speck of time with you.

Do well with that time - and rest assured, when you're gone (hopefully along time on our scale from now), you will be missed. No-one exists in a void.
 

jsnepo

Member
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Almost two years have passed and I'm at the end of the line. My debts are finally catching up to me. I didn't ask anyone for help but just thought I'll be able to fix things if given enough time. That's not true. Far from it actually. I have projected this image that everything is okay, not great but just okay. I live in a house that I don't own but still has to pay its mortgage. I have to pay back capital for the business I put up which is also being threatened because the lessor is to build high class apartment complex. Both parents are old and sick and I don't have enough to look after them. I'm just tired. Really tired. My health is detoriorating because of the stress I deal with every day. I got no true friends and even if there were, they're too far or unavailable. Wife has problems of her own that I couldn't help her with. I just wish for things to end or at least I do.
 

jdstorm

Banned
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Well this week has been extra shitty. September/October is always hard because it triggers about 100 things that should be left in the past. Too many shitty memories for that to happen any time soon. The nothingness of normality feels euphoric when it hits.

Been sort of interning at an entry level gig hoping to get some momentum. The job is pretty low key and interesting which is good, but it was understaffed even before i showed up and now they seem to have just fired the person i was somewhat working with and given me their responsibilities that i don't want all the while I'm still making so little it may as well be nothing. After a long search to even get this entry level gig to see a buisness screw over someone and try and take advantage of me like this. I want to get fired but i need the reference. So it sucks.

Counting down the days until i am done with it all and can tell everyone to go get fucked. Probably wont though. Not really worth burning those bridges right? On top of that i have just had a family member run into some old friends (who became very successful) and talk shit about them. It was a real sliding doors moment. I don't regret the choices i have made but that doesn't make the visions of another life hurt any less. Nor does having that level of venom from soeone that you love directed at people they never even knew.

I guess this is just depression hitting hard. I made some progress recently though. A few weeks ago i was able to actually talk about a dream (career related) i had been running from for the best part of a few years. I'm not quite ready to face the reality of chasing after it quite yet, However talking about it, i guess that spark inside isn't dead yet. Might be some hope for me yet.


For all the guys numb to everything.

I've been there too. Just need to build connections one step at a time. Backpackes hostels are great if you just need a pick me up.
 

Joe

Member
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Anyone here have success with anxiety meds after initially being nervous to take them?

Anxiety medicine would really benefit me but I'm very worried about the addictive aspects of them.

I do realize that NOT taking meds is most likely negatively affecting my life more than the negative aspects of the meds would but it still makes me nervous.
 
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I hope you’re ok and that you get the help you need.

thank you my man

it turned out I wasn't considered a danger so I didn't have to. i am now doing group therapy which seems fun. they offer smoke breaks frequently.
 

SomTervo

Member
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Nah, I’m never enough for anyone. Like, I know this is a weird example, but I see girls getting comments from guys on Twitter or Instagram, and they’re loving the attention. But if I make a comment (that is far less lewd than the others) it’s seen as creepy and they remove the post or even block me. Like am I really that fucking ugly?

I wake up most mornings and just feel like I’ve achieved nothing with my life and never will. I have no purpose in life. I may as well just give up.

Research is showing that the amount of time spent on social media is directly proportional with poor mental health.

Conversely, doing literally ANYTHING IRL away from social media and with real people improves mental health. Literally does not matter what it is.

To put it brutally, the more you're on these channels, the more you're digging yourself into this hole. Social media is awful, we all know it's an echo chamber, but that's true in more ways than one.

If you have no reason to go outside our see people, look up volunteering. With old people, refugees, people with learning difficulties. There will be plenty of opportunities within a couple of miles of you. You need NO training for that and it will get you face to face with people WHILE you make a very important difference in many lives. You'll make great friends with other volunteers, with no effort.
 

Ticoman

Neo Member
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Gaming used to be my escape. One of the few things that made me happy.

I haven't booted my Xbone in months.

Luckily music still helps.

I miss the old me.
 

Zeyphersan

Banned
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I have a feeling my medication isn't working anymore... which is concerning as it's only been a few months since I started and I remember it making a profound impact at first. I'm obviously going to go talk to my doctor, but is there a relatively straightforward way to tell if medication is working or not? As I type this out it sounds dumb, but this is my first time on any sort of regular medication, especially antidepressants
 
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Reading the post above and it made me think about why I'm in such a terrible place right now.

A. People clearly don't really like me; be it, long-time classmates or unfamiliar strangers I am working with, they clearly don't like my attitude. While I have some ideas on why this is(eg. I seem intimidating/unapproachable, or apathetic/uninterested), I haven't truly figured out why people dislike me. So, question: Would asking my social worker to pinpoint which of these reasons are true be a good idea or would it cause more needless trouble and waste time?

B. I am flighty, indecisive and, ultimately, aimless when it comes to my future. After thinking about it, I feel like the reason on why this is the case is because I don't have an adult role model. Having a goal to look up to and redefine what "growing up" to me would look like would be a good thing as right now I see growing up as transitioning from an impressionable honest child to a jaded, and dishonest adult whose relationships are, more often than not, frivolous. I understand why my notions of putting my childish, idealistic notions before realistic and more successful ones would be smarter, but I choose to not follow them because I feel like if I were to follow them, it would be disrespectful and dishonest to the people who genuinely care, am I wrong?
 

neojubei

Will drop pants for Sony.
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What’s the point of being Alive for other people if you’ll never find any happiness in this life. Think I’d be happier dead than alive.
 

cryptic

Member
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What’s the point of being Alive for other people if you’ll never find any happiness in this life. Think I’d be happier dead than alive.

That's how I feel. It's very absurdly hilarious.
I laugh at myself all the time for thinking that way.
The thing I've found is that like, once you're here,even the people who love you unconditionally, your family, they really just want you as a comfort,and they feed you or buy you things but they can't understand, they can't comprehend the pain and that they're just asking you to live, to suffer, for their peace of mind.
I don't think it's real love, I think if someone knew how much pain we're I'm they'd tell us it's okay that we die.
They wouldn't ask us to keep suffering.
 

neojubei

Will drop pants for Sony.
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There truly nothing for me to live for. This life as horrible as it is it’s worth it. Why fight for a happiness that others get so easily? Why should people that lose all the time try anything? What’s the point? I think if I can allow myself to die then I can end it all
 
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would highly recommend group therapy. shoutout to that one dude that recommended it here, my first session was today and I had a lot of fun.
 

Mr. F

Banned
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finished tapering off medication (with doc supervision) and woof as drawn out as the process felt, 3 months might not have been long enough. Feeling the same withdrawal symptoms as if I had missed a day at the height of my dosage. Feels awful and frustrating that there is no alternative but to wait it out.
 

Hamarr

Neo Member
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I’m really having difficulty accepting that people care for me. It doesn’t fit the view I have of myself at all. I told a friend that I was thinking of killing myself this weekend, and she told me today that she had cried after reading my text. I felt like shit after realizing how much my self hate is affecting her. Bleh.

I do sometimes wish I could just kill myself and not have it hurt people around me. I held off trying until my mom passed away a few years back. I didn’t want to hurt her, but thought I was in the all clear after her funeral. Now I am finding other people that would be hurt.

I am so stupid and selfish and self absorbed. I hope I can find something to live for again. I’m not sure if I believe in God anymore, but I have been considering going back to church and getting involved in a bible study to see if that helps with finding hope and a purpose.

finished tapering off medication (with doc supervision) and woof as drawn out as the process felt, 3 months might not have been long enough. Feeling the same withdrawal symptoms as if I had missed a day at the height of my dosage. Feels awful and frustrating that there is no alternative but to wait it out.

I might have missed it if you posted earlier, but are you stopping an SSRI? I want to quit taking Lexapro.
 

gfxtwin

Member
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My mental health clinic came clean to me recently that they have been overmedicating me. I have felt drugged for years, sex drive completely dead, emotional numbness etc. I brought it up to friends, family, the clinic and nobody really believed that I was in worse condition. A few years later they acknowledged that they were wrong, which icame as a relief tbh. They took me from 120 mg of my meds a day to 80. It was higher at one point. I feel like I am in worse condition now and feel so much less mentally "there", making it hard to keep working. I'm not totally against doctors, but I hate that I feel like I can't put trust into them sometimes. I don't know what to do. Kinda want to sue but not sure where to begin with that mess. Hopefully now that my meds are at a more reasonable dosage things will get better. kinda ranting, my bad.
 
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