I thank you all for the honor of creating this thread. Feedback is always welcome!
Who are we?
This community is made up of people. People like you and me. We're here because we want to help you succeed. Take into account that there isn't a reply to your problem that will be the definite answer to it. Please remain open to the things people say. Try to be open to the opinion of the people that challenge your own views. Consider if they have a point. It would be rude to ask for advice and only keep those that are in line with what you think.
Why are we here?
We're here to help you succeed, be it approaching a new girl, asking them out, finding what to wear on your first date, or how to ask someone to be your partner. We'll continue to help you with snags you might encounter on the way, or even if you have anything you want to discuss after 30 years of being together. We're here. Anything relating to you and someone you hold dear or wish to hold dear are things we help you with. If you're looking for tips with online dating, feel free to refer to the Online Dating Thread
”How do I do it? How do I get the girl? How do I make my relationship work?”
My being is not to make a list of what to do, and what not to do. My being is that of an underlying philosophy of who we are and how we get where we want to be, and even why we want to get there. This feels to me as a natural evolution of the Dating-Age thread, since Minamu already moved away from the checklists of how to be and what to do. I'll debunk some old myths, and show you why being an asshole works, but why you shouldn't be an asshole and what you might want to try instead.
It's not to say that lists and ideas on how to be aren't a great place to start, or always helpful, but seen how they're awesomely covered in soultron's sweet Dating-Age |OT3| and -PXG-'s great Girl/Dating Age Part 2, so I recommend you check them out for that. We'll try to look a bit behind the veil in this. I can also with a warm heart recommend Minamu's previous OT.
”What do women/men find attractive?”
The most common notion found in pick-up artist communities are notions that you should be “a bit of a bad boy” or even asshole to attract a potential partner. I'd like to look a closer look at why this is brought up so often. As you'll find I'll advocate later, you should always be yourself. An easy mistake to make when you're trying to find your place in the dating situation, is to adhere to tips you've heard on how to appear appealing. It is my personal philosophy that you should be yourself, but it is also an important aspect when it comes to how you behave, when it comes to what's called congruency. If you're not congruent with who you are, it will lead to a dissonance between the person you are, and the person you try to be. People pick up on that, perhaps even more aptly so women. The dissonance creates a sort of unpleasantness that people often find hard to pin-point. This is why you should be yourself.
When it comes to being an asshole, it is true that this works, but not for the asshole part itself. I'll move on to subjects of how other may manipulate your feelings and how being an asshole can manipulate the feelings someone has towards you, but I cannot see any way this is a desirable way to build a relationship, or even a desirable way to treat another person. The way “being an asshole” works is much because it creates feelings of confusion and disarray in the other. The response to follow you after being treated like such is the same of people that cannot get out of relationships they know are bad for them. I can't recommend being an asshole to create attraction.
Have “an edge”, instead
Don't be a push-over. Challenge the person you're interested in. This is not being an asshole. It's how you defend your beliefs, it is how you defend who you are, and it is how you defend your choices in life. It is also a way to create a fun atmosphere, and flirting is nothing without a bit of an edge. Dare be cocky about the things you can be cocky about. If you're the best Street Fighter-player in town, you better be cocky and proud about it. If you're an amazing pianist, be the same. Anything you're awesome at is something you can be proud of.
Have fun
All these things boil down to you believing in yourself. It really is true, the tired cliche that you need to love yourself before you can love someone else. The insight that comes with it is often obscure. It relates to insecurities we have with ourselves. If we don't dare to love ourselves for who we are, how do you expect someone else to love you for the same things?
Unhealthy relationships
Sadly, there are many people that, instead of understanding and working on their insecurities, make their insecurities into their strengths. A girl might not dare to trust people, because her trust was once broken. Instead she keeps people at an arms length, pushing them away, creating emotional discord. Ironically, this draws the guys that are interested in her to her, but she keeps on pushing them away. Or a guy might not be able to let that special someone into his heart. When he's with someone that really matters, he still pushes her away. These things might turn out to be unhealthy relationships. People might be unable to move on or let go of past relationships. Whatever the insecurity, it often results in the other part being pushed away. I categorize such things in the broad term push-pull.
Have you ever done the prank where you get someone to hold their fist as close to their shoulder as they can as you pull their fist away from their body? When you let go, they punch themselves right in the face. This is a great metaphor for what push-pull does. The push implies when you show someone interest. The pull is when you stop. Doing this creates emotional instability in the other. When we're not emotionally stable, we cling to what we have.
It is like the hand and the shadow;
When one retreats,
The other follows
From all my time on GAF, quite some people have reached out to me and explained a situation they're in, when they don't understand what their potential partner or their partner is doing. They're hurt and vulnerable. They all have the common thing that they wish to fight. It is extremely hard to see that you should stop fighting, and it is extremely hard to turn our backs on unhealthy relationships. If you ask people about things relating to this, chances are I'd call it out as being push-pull. The reasons why it happens are as many as there are relationships, but the signs are the same. Best would it be if you, when you read this, take note of what might happen. Thinking through it might mean you are better suited at spotting the situation when you're in it, yourself.
And as always, if you do ask and people tell you it's an unhealthy relationship, it's really, really easy to say that “they don't know the love we feel!”, or some thing to that effect. Chances are people that have been through this themselves are telling you you're in a toxic relationship. But, don't fret. Most of us go through a toxic relationship. The lessons we learn are valuable. I've been there. I've fought and lost. The lessons I've brought with me from it are things I wouldn't be without. If you want to fight for your relationship, always do so, no matter what anyone tells you. Dare to follow your feelings. Dare to follow your heart.
The relationship and you
So you're in a relationship, and it works awesomely. How can you ensure that it keeps that way? COMMUNICATE. Communication is the single best advice I can give when it comes to being happy and building a healthy and lasting relationship. Why? Let me share an anecdote. A year ago, my girlfriend of four years broke up with me. I moved on, and pieced myself together, slowly and steadily. It was through that process that I found this thread and amazing community, and it is through this community that I was able to heal. It was hard to move on. At a point, I felt detached from the feelings I had once had. But still I didn't feel ready for a new relationship, because I had a lot of insecurities from the previous relationship that I didn't want affecting a new relationship. However, I'd met the most amazing girl, but I kept her at bay, since I didn't feel ready. She, however, was set that I was the man she was going to end up with, and fought for us. We became closer. I still didn't feel ready.
One day, a guy she'd had a thing with, who'd moved away for a year to study, suddenly came back and sent her a message. I was with her when she got it, and her reactions to it, quickly had me understanding there was underlying history. That night, I was unable to sleep, because past experiences had me feeling horribly insecure about what was going on. I was afraid and anxious. I woke her up, but she was calm and helped me through it. She told me about their history and how it didn't hold a candle to us. How, yes, she'd thought about it, but why it was not something that could ever hold a candle to what I was to her. It was an absolutely amazing feeling. Not only had I woken her in the middle of the night, but I told her I was uncertain and insecure. In return she just helped me through it. That's when I realized I wanted to be with her. Communication stays with us, and it helps us both deal with insecurities we have from past experiences.
When I say we should communicate, I also mean that you should fight to be there for your significant other. You should be relentlessly understanding. Never give up trying to understand how they feel, and never be upset that they might have insecurities. When they talk to you about it, it means they trust you. That's the road to a fantastic relationship. Fight to communicate
Sex
I want to share some thoughts on this, because sex is an important part of most relationships. Some have reasons to abstain, but not touching upon that, I will talk about sex for those it may concern. It is an integral part to our relationships. It is a way for bodies to communicate on a more basic level. I often see people that come in and ask about advice for their sex lives. Again, communication is of the utmost importance. Take time to get to know each other. Take time to get to know how you work and how you partner works. Figure out the ins and outs of each other. Try an tweak here and bite there. Listen to your partners body as well as your own. Be vocal about the things you like and the things you don't like. If you think it might be hurtful for your partner to know you'd like for them to do something different, then you're hindering your sex-life to be the way it should be.
Sexuality is a difficult subject for many. Learn to be comfortable with your own sexuality. It can mean a lot of different things for people. This is another time where you need to be inexorably understanding. Your partner might have things that shouldn't be pushed. Talk about them, explore them together. You are allowed to talk during sex. Don't just ask if you should change positions. Let them know that you like it. Let them know when they're doing things right. If you're wondering, ask if they like what you do. Share the way it feels. Dare to talk.
But most importantly, remember that sex is like music. The point of music isn't the end of music, just the way the point of a dance isn't to aim for one particular spot in the room. If the point of music was the end of music, classical composers would've only written finales. People would've come to concerts only to hear the crashing chord at the end, and the best conductors would be the fastest. That's not the case, and sex isn't about the orgasm. It's not about the end. It is like a song, and you're supposed to just let yourself be lost in the moment along the way. Sex is just as varied as music is, too. There's classical, there's contemporary. There's the free-flowing of jazz, and the rigid structures of a fugue. Sometimes you follow the rules, other times you break them. Just the way there's a myriad of genres, there's also songs of different lengths. Pink Floyd has an album where one song's 2:15 and another is 23:27. Variety is the spice of life, so don't get caught up in technicalities or the end. The point is to sing and dance. Let yourself be free to express yourself.
Dating. Why do it?
Why not? Life is amazing. Dating is amazing. But don't date to force yourself. Don't force it. You won't find the one you're looking for if you're desperate to find it. If you find yourself unable to succeed with the women you wish, feel free to talk with us, and we'll try and help you assess the situation. Be vigilant, seek to understand, and the rest will follow. Life is much like sex. It's not one point we aim for, it is the entire journey. It's just as awesome to be out and scouting as it is to have found someone to date as it is to be in a relationship and all the days that follow. There's nothing wrong with being single. There's nothing wrong with being in a relationship. Always be comfortable with the way things are. If you're single and you don't like it, you might find you get in your own way when it comes to meeting women. Like the hand and the shadow, when you chase them, they might run away.
In closing
All of this really boils down as to say that any situation you are in is perfectly fine. We won't judge you for wanting to fight in a relationship that might seem hopeless. We'll be rooting for you, even if we might let you know that we feel it might not work out, but we'll support you for trying. We want you to follow your heart. If you're looking to find someone, if you're looking to fight for someone you've found or any other situation, you'll find we'll be here and we'll try and help. No matter where you are in the process, relax and remember that it's never a problem that you are where you are. Where you are is a situation worth being proud of. When it comes to how the future will turn out, I will leave you with the parting thoughts
Who are we?
This community is made up of people. People like you and me. We're here because we want to help you succeed. Take into account that there isn't a reply to your problem that will be the definite answer to it. Please remain open to the things people say. Try to be open to the opinion of the people that challenge your own views. Consider if they have a point. It would be rude to ask for advice and only keep those that are in line with what you think.
Why are we here?
We're here to help you succeed, be it approaching a new girl, asking them out, finding what to wear on your first date, or how to ask someone to be your partner. We'll continue to help you with snags you might encounter on the way, or even if you have anything you want to discuss after 30 years of being together. We're here. Anything relating to you and someone you hold dear or wish to hold dear are things we help you with. If you're looking for tips with online dating, feel free to refer to the Online Dating Thread
”How do I do it? How do I get the girl? How do I make my relationship work?”
My being is not to make a list of what to do, and what not to do. My being is that of an underlying philosophy of who we are and how we get where we want to be, and even why we want to get there. This feels to me as a natural evolution of the Dating-Age thread, since Minamu already moved away from the checklists of how to be and what to do. I'll debunk some old myths, and show you why being an asshole works, but why you shouldn't be an asshole and what you might want to try instead.
It's not to say that lists and ideas on how to be aren't a great place to start, or always helpful, but seen how they're awesomely covered in soultron's sweet Dating-Age |OT3| and -PXG-'s great Girl/Dating Age Part 2, so I recommend you check them out for that. We'll try to look a bit behind the veil in this. I can also with a warm heart recommend Minamu's previous OT.
”What do women/men find attractive?”
The most common notion found in pick-up artist communities are notions that you should be “a bit of a bad boy” or even asshole to attract a potential partner. I'd like to look a closer look at why this is brought up so often. As you'll find I'll advocate later, you should always be yourself. An easy mistake to make when you're trying to find your place in the dating situation, is to adhere to tips you've heard on how to appear appealing. It is my personal philosophy that you should be yourself, but it is also an important aspect when it comes to how you behave, when it comes to what's called congruency. If you're not congruent with who you are, it will lead to a dissonance between the person you are, and the person you try to be. People pick up on that, perhaps even more aptly so women. The dissonance creates a sort of unpleasantness that people often find hard to pin-point. This is why you should be yourself.
When it comes to being an asshole, it is true that this works, but not for the asshole part itself. I'll move on to subjects of how other may manipulate your feelings and how being an asshole can manipulate the feelings someone has towards you, but I cannot see any way this is a desirable way to build a relationship, or even a desirable way to treat another person. The way “being an asshole” works is much because it creates feelings of confusion and disarray in the other. The response to follow you after being treated like such is the same of people that cannot get out of relationships they know are bad for them. I can't recommend being an asshole to create attraction.
Have “an edge”, instead
Don't be a push-over. Challenge the person you're interested in. This is not being an asshole. It's how you defend your beliefs, it is how you defend who you are, and it is how you defend your choices in life. It is also a way to create a fun atmosphere, and flirting is nothing without a bit of an edge. Dare be cocky about the things you can be cocky about. If you're the best Street Fighter-player in town, you better be cocky and proud about it. If you're an amazing pianist, be the same. Anything you're awesome at is something you can be proud of.
Have fun
All these things boil down to you believing in yourself. It really is true, the tired cliche that you need to love yourself before you can love someone else. The insight that comes with it is often obscure. It relates to insecurities we have with ourselves. If we don't dare to love ourselves for who we are, how do you expect someone else to love you for the same things?
Unhealthy relationships
Sadly, there are many people that, instead of understanding and working on their insecurities, make their insecurities into their strengths. A girl might not dare to trust people, because her trust was once broken. Instead she keeps people at an arms length, pushing them away, creating emotional discord. Ironically, this draws the guys that are interested in her to her, but she keeps on pushing them away. Or a guy might not be able to let that special someone into his heart. When he's with someone that really matters, he still pushes her away. These things might turn out to be unhealthy relationships. People might be unable to move on or let go of past relationships. Whatever the insecurity, it often results in the other part being pushed away. I categorize such things in the broad term push-pull.
Have you ever done the prank where you get someone to hold their fist as close to their shoulder as they can as you pull their fist away from their body? When you let go, they punch themselves right in the face. This is a great metaphor for what push-pull does. The push implies when you show someone interest. The pull is when you stop. Doing this creates emotional instability in the other. When we're not emotionally stable, we cling to what we have.
It is like the hand and the shadow;
When one retreats,
The other follows
From all my time on GAF, quite some people have reached out to me and explained a situation they're in, when they don't understand what their potential partner or their partner is doing. They're hurt and vulnerable. They all have the common thing that they wish to fight. It is extremely hard to see that you should stop fighting, and it is extremely hard to turn our backs on unhealthy relationships. If you ask people about things relating to this, chances are I'd call it out as being push-pull. The reasons why it happens are as many as there are relationships, but the signs are the same. Best would it be if you, when you read this, take note of what might happen. Thinking through it might mean you are better suited at spotting the situation when you're in it, yourself.
And as always, if you do ask and people tell you it's an unhealthy relationship, it's really, really easy to say that “they don't know the love we feel!”, or some thing to that effect. Chances are people that have been through this themselves are telling you you're in a toxic relationship. But, don't fret. Most of us go through a toxic relationship. The lessons we learn are valuable. I've been there. I've fought and lost. The lessons I've brought with me from it are things I wouldn't be without. If you want to fight for your relationship, always do so, no matter what anyone tells you. Dare to follow your feelings. Dare to follow your heart.
The relationship and you
So you're in a relationship, and it works awesomely. How can you ensure that it keeps that way? COMMUNICATE. Communication is the single best advice I can give when it comes to being happy and building a healthy and lasting relationship. Why? Let me share an anecdote. A year ago, my girlfriend of four years broke up with me. I moved on, and pieced myself together, slowly and steadily. It was through that process that I found this thread and amazing community, and it is through this community that I was able to heal. It was hard to move on. At a point, I felt detached from the feelings I had once had. But still I didn't feel ready for a new relationship, because I had a lot of insecurities from the previous relationship that I didn't want affecting a new relationship. However, I'd met the most amazing girl, but I kept her at bay, since I didn't feel ready. She, however, was set that I was the man she was going to end up with, and fought for us. We became closer. I still didn't feel ready.
One day, a guy she'd had a thing with, who'd moved away for a year to study, suddenly came back and sent her a message. I was with her when she got it, and her reactions to it, quickly had me understanding there was underlying history. That night, I was unable to sleep, because past experiences had me feeling horribly insecure about what was going on. I was afraid and anxious. I woke her up, but she was calm and helped me through it. She told me about their history and how it didn't hold a candle to us. How, yes, she'd thought about it, but why it was not something that could ever hold a candle to what I was to her. It was an absolutely amazing feeling. Not only had I woken her in the middle of the night, but I told her I was uncertain and insecure. In return she just helped me through it. That's when I realized I wanted to be with her. Communication stays with us, and it helps us both deal with insecurities we have from past experiences.
When I say we should communicate, I also mean that you should fight to be there for your significant other. You should be relentlessly understanding. Never give up trying to understand how they feel, and never be upset that they might have insecurities. When they talk to you about it, it means they trust you. That's the road to a fantastic relationship. Fight to communicate
Sex
I want to share some thoughts on this, because sex is an important part of most relationships. Some have reasons to abstain, but not touching upon that, I will talk about sex for those it may concern. It is an integral part to our relationships. It is a way for bodies to communicate on a more basic level. I often see people that come in and ask about advice for their sex lives. Again, communication is of the utmost importance. Take time to get to know each other. Take time to get to know how you work and how you partner works. Figure out the ins and outs of each other. Try an tweak here and bite there. Listen to your partners body as well as your own. Be vocal about the things you like and the things you don't like. If you think it might be hurtful for your partner to know you'd like for them to do something different, then you're hindering your sex-life to be the way it should be.
Sexuality is a difficult subject for many. Learn to be comfortable with your own sexuality. It can mean a lot of different things for people. This is another time where you need to be inexorably understanding. Your partner might have things that shouldn't be pushed. Talk about them, explore them together. You are allowed to talk during sex. Don't just ask if you should change positions. Let them know that you like it. Let them know when they're doing things right. If you're wondering, ask if they like what you do. Share the way it feels. Dare to talk.
But most importantly, remember that sex is like music. The point of music isn't the end of music, just the way the point of a dance isn't to aim for one particular spot in the room. If the point of music was the end of music, classical composers would've only written finales. People would've come to concerts only to hear the crashing chord at the end, and the best conductors would be the fastest. That's not the case, and sex isn't about the orgasm. It's not about the end. It is like a song, and you're supposed to just let yourself be lost in the moment along the way. Sex is just as varied as music is, too. There's classical, there's contemporary. There's the free-flowing of jazz, and the rigid structures of a fugue. Sometimes you follow the rules, other times you break them. Just the way there's a myriad of genres, there's also songs of different lengths. Pink Floyd has an album where one song's 2:15 and another is 23:27. Variety is the spice of life, so don't get caught up in technicalities or the end. The point is to sing and dance. Let yourself be free to express yourself.
Dating. Why do it?
Why not? Life is amazing. Dating is amazing. But don't date to force yourself. Don't force it. You won't find the one you're looking for if you're desperate to find it. If you find yourself unable to succeed with the women you wish, feel free to talk with us, and we'll try and help you assess the situation. Be vigilant, seek to understand, and the rest will follow. Life is much like sex. It's not one point we aim for, it is the entire journey. It's just as awesome to be out and scouting as it is to have found someone to date as it is to be in a relationship and all the days that follow. There's nothing wrong with being single. There's nothing wrong with being in a relationship. Always be comfortable with the way things are. If you're single and you don't like it, you might find you get in your own way when it comes to meeting women. Like the hand and the shadow, when you chase them, they might run away.
In closing
All of this really boils down as to say that any situation you are in is perfectly fine. We won't judge you for wanting to fight in a relationship that might seem hopeless. We'll be rooting for you, even if we might let you know that we feel it might not work out, but we'll support you for trying. We want you to follow your heart. If you're looking to find someone, if you're looking to fight for someone you've found or any other situation, you'll find we'll be here and we'll try and help. No matter where you are in the process, relax and remember that it's never a problem that you are where you are. Where you are is a situation worth being proud of. When it comes to how the future will turn out, I will leave you with the parting thoughts
No thought, no reflection, no analysis,
No cultivation, no intention;
Let it settle itself.
No cultivation, no intention;
Let it settle itself.