I talked about my health in a lot of threads, and also made a lot of references to it. And, I talked very little about my family, and especially my brother. For those who would not know, I have a brain tumor which has made my senses to sensitive to about just any visual or auditive stimulus, I just cannot do jack shit and I am in constant pain. Since october 2003, I also got horrendously high hypercusis, which is extreme sensibility to sound. So because of it all, I never watch any video (movie, videogame, tv, etc), and I only bear my LCD screen with all the animation disabled, and then again I am hyper sensitive to colors, lighting. I made a thread recently on how I am getting better, please check that out if you are interested, I REALLY don't feel like explaining myself again on the matter, sorry. Please do not try to sugggest any solutions, I tried everything and they will not work, the best is the enemy of good, and I have the best there can be right now.
Only, I am fighting my own family, against my will, way more than my tumor these days, and I think I absolutely cannot be helped. I really never tought human stupidity could get any lower, and well, I'm fucking tired of this shit.
There are a lot of things I do not even feel like mentioning ever because they bring so much pain to me, I do not ever feel like thinking of them. And I am perfecftly sane, perfectly happy, and I am suffering every second of my life, being always alone, I have not left my home since february 15! Cannot bear the sun which is getting real high these days. I am stuck here; no one will come to me ever. My family, they all wash their hands on the matter, I need someone, but their apathethy and only hurts. Friends cannot help, calling every organization I could did not do jack shit. Do not try to suggest me any of those solutions, I swear I have tried EVERYTHING.à
And so, just before I began posting on GAF when it was back online, my brother was there, along with my mom, and I have enough of this shit. For a variety of reasons, I have no choice but to bear with them, absolutely none, and thus I am at their mercy. Don't try to suggest me appartments; even if I could move out, the problem is that I am so sensible to sound, lights, colors and patterns, I have absolutely no ways to ever go check out another place. Waiting for my imminent cure (which is really working well and that I established myself), I have to resist until I am cured; and frankly, nothing ever gives me feelings of death more than my own brother beating the fuck out of me, insulting his old ILL ELDER BROTHER with the most obscene and careless, not to mention sadistical words ever.
So today, they were watching a TV show (on my TV!), and I found the volume to be much too loud. I usually always try to adapt myself to other people but my own family, they take every single possible advantage off me and they literally treat me like shit, act like hypocrites, and are now a menace for my health. I went up, and I said: "Mom, you turned the volume all the way up, turn it down!" I said this and they stayed silent and still. I could not resist crying, I could not took my hands off my ears! Then finally I could not hold it any longer, I did, and it was so horrendous oh my god, I tried to contain myself but I could not help but scream to death. And I know every time I do this, my family is going to shit on me yet again, only sometimes I am human and cannot hold the pain, and I have no choice to be extremely considerate.
So then my brother tells me: "Shut the fuck up else I am hitting you!", I was stunned, I said: "Mom, tell him to stop!", she will always let him do anything and she will never punish him no matter what, and I do not get half the blame, I get all the blame. When the tumor was discovered in the end of 2003, my brother started to beat me up. He always hated everything relied to me, mind you, I have never been able to defend myself at all, and he profits from that to no end. And I have no choice but to deal with him. Again, do not suggest any seemingly easy solutions; I tried everything and there is no way, you'd actually need to be there for me, and that is not possible, I would not even want to I guess. Apart from that, I have to deal with my family with the most lucid view possible, fuck.
Mom told me: "Don't provocate your brother!" she has become so FUCKED UP, she hit her menoposis, and of course she will not admit anything, my father has divorced a long time ago and she is angry at me, so he will never be able to do anything because he feels guilty, and he will be too shy. I know it sounds incredible, I tried to reason him countless times, and there is no use in doing that. When my brother said my father was a racist and I protested, he gave me thirty punches all over my body, on my head, in my ears (I thin, that still hurts today), and my mom after that came to me to HIT ME EVEN MORE (how is that ever possible) and yell at me, I was in a pool of blood with stains of blood all over my t-shirt! I screamed at them not to leave me like that, while crying, and they did. I then told it to my father, and he just denied everything, avoided every query and question, and then just logged off. My father won't do anything, and the image of that t-shirt with blood spots will forever stay in my mind. No one will help me ever, and I accepted that. However, please don't think I am a wimp; best is the enemy of good, as bad as good can be.
So back to last night, my brother started to switch to a metal concert just to make me hurt, I swear, I AM SPEECHLESS. I was crying, and then he took his guitar and played it as loud as possible! I retreted to my room, crying to tears, crying with my wimpy voice, with my heart beating loud as fuck in my ears, trying to say nicely: "How can you do that? And mom how can you ever let him do that? You don't do that to the son you claim to love mom!" And then my brother saying: "shut the fuck up you sound like a fucking mongoloid!", and then my mom saying: "Right, SHUT UP!" WHAT THE FUCK?
And there is no use ever talking to them, I gave up. They said they would watch me back, and call the police to make me go to jail if I ever dare speaking about it to anyone I know of. I cannot believe it, there is now way humans can go any lower, NONE. They make me stuck, act like sadistics being, using every single unfair advantage they can. How the fuck can you torture someone with hyperacusis with a guitar? How can you beat him to no end knowing he cannot do anything to defend himself? Doing anything, I would get beaten up to death, blackmailed to death, I cannot do anything else, I would shoot myself in the feet. Later in that evening, he went out and he was like: "You acted like a fucking prick why don't you go kill yourself?" He made me cry mind you, I had to resist the toughts to take a baseball that and make his fucking head pop. I told him to stop, he took a pile of DVDs and went upstairs and said: "I will smash them on the floor if you don't shut the fuck up!" I told my mom to make him stop, she NEVER answered. I remembered tough they were her DVDs, so when he said: "Are you sorry fucktard?", I said: "Go ahead, do it, break these DVDs." He broke so many of my stuff, his own stuff even... man, if I could I would torture him to no end right now, he deserves to go to jail and get raped by horny male prisoners for the rest of his life. Christ.
And then my mom discovered my smile, and remembered they were her DVDs, screamed it to him. He then stop not understanding anything, screaming at me, shaking me against the wall, screaming in my ears. I did nothing, pain does not makes me anything anymore. While staying completely still, I just said: "You were about to break mom's DVDs, sucker.", and then he screamed back, and my mom came hearing that to scream at me. I said: "Mom, do you know my brother was about to smash into pieces YOUR OWN DVDs?" Fuck, that was the greatest own in my life. I was their blank faces, not doing anything, and me with a slight smile on my face, my brother left me, I went back to my room still in pain and said "And mom if it would have been my brother, you would have let everything pass. Now, please punish him and ban him out of my house, ok?" My father ent me his house, and they use it from time to time (propriety disputes with my father, blablabla), but I have no control whatsoever. She had after that to make sure that he would get the fuck out of here until the end of time. I am afraid, however, that he might try to kill me before that. But I do not know of fear anymore, nearly.
And I saw my brother in panic when mom had no choice but criticizing him, and he screamed at her like a mongoloid: "FUCK MOM I DID SO MUCH NOTHING!" I hear him sweat, he's a bastard, hearing his hypocrisy and his lies make me want to vomit. After that, he came yelling insanities at me, and he tried to make noise by jamming repeatedly on my ceiling to make me hurt (which he did a lot, but I guess I am made strong), and then he hurt his toe, and he screamed. I was laughing, still a little frown. And after that, mom trying to make me feel like she regrets some things (which she does not), patheticaly tried to make me forgive things, manipulates me, tries to make me approve of things I never say and stick blank statesments into my mouth. And well, I am sorry for my mother mother, but I master rhetoric like no other guy, and I see her hypocretical ways coming from a thousand miles away. I tought anything bad about my mom, and I am frowned to sometime wanting to make her hurt, which I never do. I hope someday I can move out, I want to go in an english-only place, I will never talk to my family ever again, for all I care they can fuck off and die, I will never go out and help them.
But still, I am afraid one day that I might want to use legitimate defense and make them hurt, and I loathe violence. I hope to God I will never have to. I will let them sink themselves, and when I will be able to get out, they will all never have existed to me, I will have no family. Until june first when my brother goes out, and shortly after that when my health comes back, I put up a brave face and I survive. But still, fuck humans, it's disgusting.
---------------------------------------
There is no sarcasm anywhere. And please I am sorry to sound blunt, but if you ever are to respond in this thread, read every single word in the txt file, don't be sarcastical, mean or even remotely funny, I have so much efforts that I put to stay alive, I do not need people to have such attitudes towards me, it just make me feel sad. I just send the link, because in the past people have laughed at me because I made longass threads, and because of my grammar, about that last one, it's only because I have many problems reading dense texts, and thus I can barely edit myself back, if not for that there would never be even a single error. To those who did that, do you realize how assolish it is? Please just stop. After the events in that file, I went and I could browse the GAF again. And do not even think I joke about this, these thinks do not invent for themselves. If you look carefully, you will notice I pratically never posted save for until two days ago, that is because I have not been able to browse these boards before, and that I just found a way to do it again.
As I said in the file, do not suggest anything to me, it's useless I swear. Just try I guess to be proud of myself, of my attitude towards these beings I am supposed to love, and still do. I'm good am I not? I'm brave, am I not? When I rise from my grave like a phoenix, nothing will be able to stop me, ever.
Of course, if you do not know about my health, check out this thread:
http://forums.gaming-age.com/showthread.php?t=40930
Sorry again, I have no one to talk to ever, I hope I have touched you all with my life. Thanks so many of you for being so kind with me, you make the difference in my life. I look forward to speak with you all for a very long time. Thanks for the time you take for reading the shit that is going through in my life. I am fucking tired an I will try to get some rest for now.
Jotaro
Only, I am fighting my own family, against my will, way more than my tumor these days, and I think I absolutely cannot be helped. I really never tought human stupidity could get any lower, and well, I'm fucking tired of this shit.
There are a lot of things I do not even feel like mentioning ever because they bring so much pain to me, I do not ever feel like thinking of them. And I am perfecftly sane, perfectly happy, and I am suffering every second of my life, being always alone, I have not left my home since february 15! Cannot bear the sun which is getting real high these days. I am stuck here; no one will come to me ever. My family, they all wash their hands on the matter, I need someone, but their apathethy and only hurts. Friends cannot help, calling every organization I could did not do jack shit. Do not try to suggest me any of those solutions, I swear I have tried EVERYTHING.
àAnd so, just before I began posting on GAF when it was back online, my brother was there, along with my mom, and I have enough of this shit. For a variety of reasons, I have no choice but to bear with them, absolutely none, and thus I am at their mercy. Don't try to suggest me appartments; even if I could move out, the problem is that I am so sensible to sound, lights, colors and patterns, I have absolutely no ways to ever go check out another place. Waiting for my imminent cure (which is really working well and that I established myself), I have to resist until I am cured; and frankly, nothing ever gives me feelings of death more than my own brother beating the fuck out of me, insulting his old ILL ELDER BROTHER with the most obscene and careless, not to mention sadistical words ever.
So today, they were watching a TV show (on my TV!), and I found the volume to be much too loud. I usually always try to adapt myself to other people but my own family, they take every single possible advantage off me and they literally treat me like shit, act like hypocrites, and are now a menace for my health. I went up, and I said: "Mom, you turned the volume all the way up, turn it down!" I said this and they stayed silent and still. I could not resist crying, I could not took my hands off my ears! Then finally I could not hold it any longer, I did, and it was so horrendous oh my god, I tried to contain myself but I could not help but scream to death. And I know every time I do this, my family is going to shit on me yet again, only sometimes I am human and cannot hold the pain, and I have no choice to be extremely considerate.
So then my brother tells me: "Shut the fuck up else I am hitting you!", I was stunned, I said: "Mom, tell him to stop!", she will always let him do anything and she will never punish him no matter what, and I do not get half the blame, I get all the blame. When the tumor was discovered in the end of 2003, my brother started to beat me up. He always hated everything relied to me, mind you, I have never been able to defend myself at all, and he profits from that to no end. And I have no choice but to deal with him. Again, do not suggest any seemingly easy solutions; I tried everything and there is no way, you'd actually need to be there for me, and that is not possible, I would not even want to I guess. Apart from that, I have to deal with my family with the most lucid view possible, fuck.
Mom told me: "Don't provocate your brother!" she has become so FUCKED UP, she hit her menoposis, and of course she will not admit anything, my father has divorced a long time ago and she is angry at me, so he will never be able to do anything because he feels guilty, and he will be too shy. I know it sounds incredible, I tried to reason him countless times, and there is no use in doing that. When my brother said my father was a racist and I protested, he gave me thirty punches all over my body, on my head, in my ears (I thin, that still hurts today), and my mom after that came to me to HIT ME EVEN MORE (how is that ever possible) and yell at me, I was in a pool of blood with stains of blood all over my t-shirt! I screamed at them not to leave me like that, while crying, and they did. I then told it to my father, and he just denied everything, avoided every query and question, and then just logged off. My father won't do anything, and the image of that t-shirt with blood spots will forever stay in my mind. No one will help me ever, and I accepted that. However, please don't think I am a wimp; best is the enemy of good, as bad as good can be.
So back to last night, my brother started to switch to a metal concert just to make me hurt, I swear, I AM SPEECHLESS. I was crying, and then he took his guitar and played it as loud as possible! I retreted to my room, crying to tears, crying with my wimpy voice, with my heart beating loud as fuck in my ears, trying to say nicely: "How can you do that? And mom how can you ever let him do that? You don't do that to the son you claim to love mom!" And then my brother saying: "shut the fuck up you sound like a fucking mongoloid!", and then my mom saying: "Right, SHUT UP!" WHAT THE FUCK?
And there is no use ever talking to them, I gave up. They said they would watch me back, and call the police to make me go to jail if I ever dare speaking about it to anyone I know of. I cannot believe it, there is now way humans can go any lower, NONE. They make me stuck, act like sadistics being, using every single unfair advantage they can. How the fuck can you torture someone with hyperacusis with a guitar? How can you beat him to no end knowing he cannot do anything to defend himself? Doing anything, I would get beaten up to death, blackmailed to death, I cannot do anything else, I would shoot myself in the feet. Later in that evening, he went out and he was like: "You acted like a fucking prick why don't you go kill yourself?" He made me cry mind you, I had to resist the toughts to take a baseball that and make his fucking head pop. I told him to stop, he took a pile of DVDs and went upstairs and said: "I will smash them on the floor if you don't shut the fuck up!" I told my mom to make him stop, she NEVER answered. I remembered tough they were her DVDs, so when he said: "Are you sorry fucktard?", I said: "Go ahead, do it, break these DVDs." He broke so many of my stuff, his own stuff even... man, if I could I would torture him to no end right now, he deserves to go to jail and get raped by horny male prisoners for the rest of his life. Christ.
And then my mom discovered my smile, and remembered they were her DVDs, screamed it to him. He then stop not understanding anything, screaming at me, shaking me against the wall, screaming in my ears. I did nothing, pain does not makes me anything anymore. While staying completely still, I just said: "You were about to break mom's DVDs, sucker.", and then he screamed back, and my mom came hearing that to scream at me. I said: "Mom, do you know my brother was about to smash into pieces YOUR OWN DVDs?" Fuck, that was the greatest own in my life. I was their blank faces, not doing anything, and me with a slight smile on my face, my brother left me, I went back to my room still in pain and said "And mom if it would have been my brother, you would have let everything pass. Now, please punish him and ban him out of my house, ok?" My father ent me his house, and they use it from time to time (propriety disputes with my father, blablabla), but I have no control whatsoever. She had after that to make sure that he would get the fuck out of here until the end of time. I am afraid, however, that he might try to kill me before that. But I do not know of fear anymore, nearly.
And I saw my brother in panic when mom had no choice but criticizing him, and he screamed at her like a mongoloid: "FUCK MOM I DID SO MUCH NOTHING!" I hear him sweat, he's a bastard, hearing his hypocrisy and his lies make me want to vomit. After that, he came yelling insanities at me, and he tried to make noise by jamming repeatedly on my ceiling to make me hurt (which he did a lot, but I guess I am made strong), and then he hurt his toe, and he screamed. I was laughing, still a little frown. And after that, mom trying to make me feel like she regrets some things (which she does not), patheticaly tried to make me forgive things, manipulates me, tries to make me approve of things I never say and stick blank statesments into my mouth. And well, I am sorry for my mother mother, but I master rhetoric like no other guy, and I see her hypocretical ways coming from a thousand miles away. I tought anything bad about my mom, and I am frowned to sometime wanting to make her hurt, which I never do. I hope someday I can move out, I want to go in an english-only place, I will never talk to my family ever again, for all I care they can fuck off and die, I will never go out and help them.
But still, I am afraid one day that I might want to use legitimate defense and make them hurt, and I loathe violence. I hope to God I will never have to. I will let them sink themselves, and when I will be able to get out, they will all never have existed to me, I will have no family. Until june first when my brother goes out, and shortly after that when my health comes back, I put up a brave face and I survive. But still, fuck humans, it's disgusting.
---------------------------------------
There is no sarcasm anywhere. And please I am sorry to sound blunt, but if you ever are to respond in this thread, read every single word in the txt file, don't be sarcastical, mean or even remotely funny, I have so much efforts that I put to stay alive, I do not need people to have such attitudes towards me, it just make me feel sad. I just send the link, because in the past people have laughed at me because I made longass threads, and because of my grammar, about that last one, it's only because I have many problems reading dense texts, and thus I can barely edit myself back, if not for that there would never be even a single error. To those who did that, do you realize how assolish it is? Please just stop. After the events in that file, I went and I could browse the GAF again. And do not even think I joke about this, these thinks do not invent for themselves. If you look carefully, you will notice I pratically never posted save for until two days ago, that is because I have not been able to browse these boards before, and that I just found a way to do it again.
As I said in the file, do not suggest anything to me, it's useless I swear. Just try I guess to be proud of myself, of my attitude towards these beings I am supposed to love, and still do. I'm good am I not? I'm brave, am I not? When I rise from my grave like a phoenix, nothing will be able to stop me, ever.
Of course, if you do not know about my health, check out this thread:
http://forums.gaming-age.com/showthread.php?t=40930
Sorry again, I have no one to talk to ever, I hope I have touched you all with my life. Thanks so many of you for being so kind with me, you make the difference in my life. I look forward to speak with you all for a very long time. Thanks for the time you take for reading the shit that is going through in my life. I am fucking tired an I will try to get some rest for now.
Jotaro
