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Dating-Age |OT5| Halp me pls. In the bathroom.

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stn

stn

Member
I don't. I'm just trying to critique myself because I think I erred in letting my own read on signals and body language end the date prematurely. Just for the purpose of personal growth for future dates.

If you meet online, the second date is the real first date, by the way.
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Yup. Couldn't agree more.
 
M

MikeDip

God bless all my old friends/And god bless me too, why pretend?
Reznor said:
I'm curious. How much clarification are you really getting from your therapy if you see dating as a glorified video game? If anything, that sort of highlights an ongoing lack of understanding. I'm trying to tread lightly here because I'm certainly not a licensed professional by any means, but I wonder if this video game correlation is a roundabout way for you to rationalize what you still don't yet understand about your dating habits.

It definitely sounds like acceptance is your life-fuel, so to speak. You seem to thrive on that rush of accomplishment that comes with your success in the dating landscape, but the key issue is that you're putting finish lines in places where they shouldn't be.

Consider this. What have you actually completed in a dating sense? You went out on dates, learned about one another, hooked up, evoked feelings from them... and then what? Doesn't it seem like there should be more to it than that? Moreover, as a person who thrives off of acceptance, do you really think those people accept who you are after essentially chewing them up and spitting them out when there was so much left to do?

My intent isn't to make you feel like shit; but at the same time, you also need to take some time to put yourself in the shoes of the people you date, and ask yourself how you would feel if you were inexplicably disposed of like that. In fact, that's what leads me to ask an important question that might get to the root of this issue.

Have you dealt with troubles in life where you were abandoned, alienated or rejected by someone you loved dearly? It doesn't even have to be in relationship terms. In general, actually. The reason why I'm asking is because there's times when people who've gone through traumatic rejections tend to redirect that feeling onto others -- almost as a way of assuming the same power and control to come and go as they please so that they don't have to be the recipient again.

Even if that isn't the case, here's the takeaway I'd still encourage you to consider. Your dating goals are far too limited, and there's absolutely no reason to build those glass ceilings for yourself when there's so many other accomplishments you can achieve.

When you reach that point where you think you've seen all there is to see, remind yourself that that's just the beginning. In reality, seeing all there is to see from someone that wants to be with you is actually just a precursor for bigger and better dating goals. Think fulfilling relationships, romantic adventures, sexual chemistry, living together someday, popping the question someday, or starting a family someday. In your current form, you'll never have the pleasure of getting to see haw far a winning formula can take you.

Getting from Point A to Point B is great, but don't just stop there. There's 26 letters in the alphabet.
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Hmm, I don't know.

What have I completed is a good question. But I don't really have an answer? Earlier I was thinking "A lot". Then it was "Nothing" I am back to thinking "a lot" though.

Rejection and abandonment in my past? Not that I can recall, no.

I mean, if I get bored am I supposed to pretend and just go with things? How long until I can stop?

Don't get me wrong. I don't just disappear (except for a few times. Not not the standard). I just... I dunno, fade?

EDIT: Also way too much focusing on the game analogies. I like analogies and find them fun, that's all. Could have been a car analogy, I do those as well. But they are so overdone.
 
A

Advocatus Diaboli

Member
stn said:
Fair enough. In your opinion, what kind of actions would make you think the other party was not interested in you? I'm talking about actions during the date itself.
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You're asking unnecessary questions. If you want to see if she's interested in you, ask her out on a second date. If she says yes, then she is.

I'm not discounting your impression of vibes, of course. But I'm wondering why you're not letting you both make the call one way or another. Frankly, if you're attracted to each other, the conversation flowed (discounted for nerves, of course), and she seems like a good, decent person, why not spend another 1.5 hours with her?

Hell, she could think you were bailing on her (because you were bailing on her). Or maybe she's not interested at all. But maybe you should figure it out.
 
K

Kevtones

Member
william_557 said:
Ok update

She asked if i want to go see a movie with her instead do we have any advice as this would be the first time we're hanging out
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Movie dates are terrible. Suggest to meet up and at least talk to her beforehand if you haven't really.

The date doesn't end after the movie.
 
S

Salamando

Member
william_557 said:
Ok update

She asked if i want to go see a movie with her instead do we have any advice as this would be the first time we're hanging out
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Movie dates aren't good first dates. No opportunity to talk. I'd go along with it, but add a suggestion of dinner/drinks afterwards. Possibly not at your dad's pizza shop.
 
W

william_557

Member
Salamando said:
Movie dates aren't good first dates. No opportunity to talk. I'd go along with it, but add a suggestion of dinner/drinks afterwards. Possibly not at your dad's pizza shop.
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Yeah i agree with that about movie dates

i wouldn't head to the pizzeria afterwards but as its a late showing at the cinema and she has work early the next day i'd say something afterwards may not be the in the cards

Will let you guys know how it went as well
 
P

peanutbutterlatte

Member
Salamando said:
May end things with a girl after three dates because of Furries, of all things.

To explain, Pittsburgh is home to the largest furry convention in the world. Makes it a common conversation topic around this time of year. I had mentioned I went downtown to watch the furry parade, and she made is clear she did not approve of them. Clear revulsion and at one point kink-shaming. I am not a furry, but far as I can tell they're nice, friendly people just having fun. And whatever two (or more) consenting adults do in the bedroom is none of my business.

It's not like she was a "fuck yes" to begin with...
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Ha I have furry friends and I still can't say a girl who disliked the practice would put me off.

Also, cinema: Go for cocktails beforehand/afterhand and choose Finding Dory as you'll only be in there for about 80 minutes. Generally unless you're a teenager looking to kiss aimlessly cinema dates are pretty lame.

I might text this girl I went on a date with Friday. We briefly messaged on Saturday, but she's sent nothing since. Can't hurt to suggest a second date right?
 
Z

ZackieChan

Member
peanutbutterlatte said:
Ha I have furry friends and I still can't say a girl who disliked the practice would put me off.

Also, cinema: Go for cocktails beforehand/afterhand and choose Finding Dory as you'll only be in there for about 80 minutes. Generally unless you're a teenager looking to kiss aimlessly cinema dates are pretty lame.

I might text this girl I went on a date with Friday. We briefly messaged on Saturday, but she's sent nothing since. Can't hurt to suggest a second date right?
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Do you want a second date? It's not going to just happen...
 
K

Kurtofan

Member
ZackieChan said:
You... called someone that has blocked you? Why? That's top tier creep status, unless I'm missing something.
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at first I thought... yeah not going to call her...it's creepy. but then on second thoughts, I thought why not? I wanted an explanation for this sudden blocking, it made me felt dirty.

also I was sure the call wouldn't go through. lol. I ended up on the voice mail, I hanged up, she sent a text "why did you call me?" I was like oh shit oh shit, I tried to reply but before I could she call me. We had a talk and we apologized to each other.

She told me it wasn't my fault which made me feel good, I'm glad I called in a way ^^
 
Z

ZackieChan

Member
Kurtofan said:
at first I thought... yeah not going to call her...it's creepy. but then on second thoughts, I thought why not? I wanted an explanation for this sudden blocking, it made me felt dirty.

also I was sure the call wouldn't go through. lol. I ended up on the voice mail, I hanged up, she sent a text "why did you call me?" I was like oh shit oh shit, I tried to reply but before I could she call me. We had a talk and we apologized to each other.

She told me it wasn't my fault which made me feel good, I'm glad I called in a way ^^
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Come on, man. You don't need an explanation and you shouldn't feel "dirty." Your behavior is super weird. Maybe it's just a translation error or something, I don't know.
 
K

Kurtofan

Member
ZackieChan said:
Come on, man. You don't need an explanation and you shouldn't feel "dirty." Your behavior is super weird. Maybe it's just a translation error or something, I don't know.
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I guess I was upset too, it felt like unfinished business. I don't like having something on my mind like that.
 
S

Salamando

Member
Kurtofan said:
I guess I was upset too, it felt like unfinished business. I don't like having something on my mind like that.
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So sooner you get used to "unfinished business", the better. Closure isn't common when you've only been on a few dates with a girl. If you haven't met the girl yet, it's less likely than encountering a Shiny wild Pokemon.

All that matters is the girl is no longer interested in continuing the conversation. With that, you know it's not worth spending any more time thinking about her.
 
Z

ZackieChan

Member
Kurtofan said:
I guess I was upset too, it felt like unfinished business. I don't like having something on my mind like that.
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You NEED to get over that if you hope to have any success in online dating. I'm begging you. You will be blocked, ghosted, ignored, etc. many times. It isn't a big deal and you won't get closure. The sooner you learn this, the better.
 
P

peanutbutterlatte

Member
ZackieChan said:
You NEED to get over that if you hope to have any success in online dating. I'm begging you. You will be blocked, ghosted, ignored, etc. many times. It isn't a big deal and you won't get closure. The sooner you learn this, the better.
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It's the truth. Also you will inevitably ghost someone too. We inevitably attract the attention of someone we're not interested in.
ZackieChan said:
Do you want a second date? It's not going to just happen...
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True! She said "message me" at the end of our first date, and that's what I'm doing. She just hasn't been very talkative since, I don't think she's a big texter.

Does asking to go out this weekend seem too desperate?
 
B

bluethree

Member
yeah I'm also in a similar situation where I worry about the timing of asking for the 2nd date (even though it doesn't really matter lol). This sunday I probably had the best date with someone I've had in months, she's pretty awesome and the conversation was so easy and natural.
 
Z

ZackieChan

Member
Depends. I've had successful dates that became 6 dates in a row, and I've had gaps of 4-14 days. Only you can really tell. 4 or so days between dates doesn't seem too desperate, I don't think
 
N

Nickdogmoneycash

Member
Going on a 2nd date with this girl I really like tonight, only thing I'm worried about is how I'm going to keep the conversation flowing. She is really shy and is taking a while to open up to me, and I feel like I've already asked all the "getting to know someone" questions on the first date.

I just know I'm going to have to carry the conversation, which isn't something I'm really comfortable with.
 
W

War Peaceman

You're a big guy.
I feel like the more you think about the dynamics of a conversation, the less you are actually enjoying it.

With the people I've liked there has always been a lovely flow and energy and rhythm to the conversation.
 
N

Nickdogmoneycash

Member
War Peaceman said:
I feel like the more you think about the dynamics of a conversation, the less you are actually enjoying it.

With the people I've liked there has always been a lovely flow and energy and rhythm to the conversation.
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Is it possible to lose this ability? I feel like I used to be able to just speak my mind freely and clearly without holding anything back, now I 2nd guess myself on everything and desperately try an avoid awkward silences, which of course does not work.
 
W

War Peaceman

You're a big guy.
I guess it is an attitude thing. If there is no pressure then you can behave normally. If you can make yourself recognise that a date isn't important, that if you are not compatible that is perfectly fine, then it will help.

I find one of the best things is to expose yourself to people. Not like that. Kurt, especially you. I mean, put yourself in positions when you have to engage with people; volunteering, clubs, societies, etc. The better you become at conversational etiquette, the more comfortable you will be in most social circumstances. If you have the confidence that you know how to have a conversation then you won't worry about minor details or silences and can just focus on the other person.
 
G

gwailo

Banned
Kurtofan said:
I guess I was upset too, it felt like unfinished business. I don't like having something on my mind like that.
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Ech. So so gross. These women do NOT "owe" you anything. Honestly, with how weird/creepy you come off as, I'm surprised you're not blocked by more women. You are not stable or mature enough to date.
 
M

MikeDip

God bless all my old friends/And god bless me too, why pretend?
Is there a way to pull off creepy? Like if you have some natural creep in you, what's the best way to dress it up for a night on the town?
 
S

Scotch

Member
MattyG said:
I didn't mean to make it sound like she should've "stayed pure". I know she can do whatever the fuck she wants. It's just that the way we had talked about it, we both knew where thing were going and knew how we were going to go about our relationship BEFORE she slept with this guy, and then she just goes and throws a wrench in it with this. I wasn't even the one who wanted to wait to start dating, she was. I know she had no obligation, but I wish she'd have told me when we were talking about us that she was going to go ahead and do that.
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Why were you talking about "us" or your "relationship" before you even started dating? Having talks like that enforced this idea in your head that things were going somewhere, when clearly she wasn't one the same page.

Kurtofan said:
at first I thought... yeah not going to call her...it's creepy. but then on second thoughts, I thought why not? I wanted an explanation for this sudden blocking, it made me felt dirty.

also I was sure the call wouldn't go through. lol. I ended up on the voice mail, I hanged up, she sent a text "why did you call me?" I was like oh shit oh shit, I tried to reply but before I could she call me. We had a talk and we apologized to each other.

She told me it wasn't my fault which made me feel good, I'm glad I called in a way ^^
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Oh ffs. You think this is some kind of victory but it's not, it's actually the opposite. She gave you some bullshit excuses so could feel better, and you haven't learned the valuable lesson that you don't always get closure.

What, you're gonna call every girl that blocks you from now on?
 
G

Gotdatmoney

Member
Kurtofan said:
I guess I was upset too, it felt like unfinished business. I don't like having something on my mind like that.
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You aren't going to.be successful dating til you fix your attitude. What you are posting isn't just unattractive, it's fucking insene sounding. If these are your actual thoughts on datimg and people, even if you manage to find a relationship it's not ginna last long if this is the personality you plan to roll with.
 
L

Llyranor

Member
If someone ghosts or makes up a silly excuse to not meet you, they are not interested. That by itself IS CLOSURE.

What does it matter if you don't find the exact specific reason? Even if you managed to harass and pry it out of them, it may very well be a lie anyway, so why waste your time and energy on someone who we've already established IS NOT INTERESTED.

"It's not your fault" she blocked you, it just happened. Yeah ok. Feeling good about it is weird.
 
E

electricshake

Member
Think I need to bow out of this thread for a bit, some posts are making me really uncomfortable (and angry!). To those fighting the good fight, I wish you well! To those being weirdo creepers, I do not.
 
G

gwailo

Banned
MikeDip said:
Is there a way to pull off creepy? Like if you have some natural creep in you, what's the best way to dress it up for a night on the town?
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Please find a different therapist and/or a psychiatrist that can prescribe you meds. This question and the "jokey" tone you give with it, combined with you likening people to RPG characters, is borderline sociopathic thinking. You really need more help than this thread can offer.
 
M

MattyG

Banned
Scotch said:
Why were you talking about "us" or your "relationship" before you even started dating? Having talks like that enforced this idea in your head that things were going somewhere, when clearly she wasn't one the same page.
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Because she's the one that began talking that way first. I didn't start talking that way, she opened the door and I just figured that we were on the same page. But I get it, I was stupid to assume anything, got it.
 
F

FLAguy954

Junior Member
Kurtofan said:
I guess I was upset too, it felt like unfinished business. I don't like having something on my mind like that.
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What the fuck? This sounds unnerving. You REALLY need to change your mindset in regards to "unfinished business" because you are going to see a lot of that if you plan on getting into the dating pool.
 
W

william_557

Member
Ok so update

I picked her up from hers and we went to see the movie (me before you a fairly romantic comedy) there was a guy at her place on the couch and i'm not sure what the relation is between them she just introduced me by his name then we left.

We got there early so sat and had a chat for a while which went well then continued chatting in the movie theatre before it started).

Nothing happened during the film which is fine it is the first time we've gone out

(we were in the same high school year a fair few years ago despite not knowing each other at all really and started recently talking on messenger which was going very well with both of us seeming very interested in each other (i know this can be hard to judge via messenger this was due to mutually knowing her cousin)

we both really enjoyed the film although she straight up paid for the tickets before i could even blink so i ended up buying the food. (1 popcorn for myself which she had none of and a water each)

Now we are catching up again on thursday for a drink and then she's coming to watch me perform in this community theatre play i'm in

My question is this how do i continue to play this? i don't know who that guy was or even how to bring it up the relation to each other (if i even should?)

Sorry for the long post i just really like this girl and am new to the whole dating game.

Thanks
 
J

Jokab

Member
Kurtofan said:
at first I thought... yeah not going to call her...it's creepy. but then on second thoughts, I thought why not? I wanted an explanation for this sudden blocking, it made me felt dirty.

also I was sure the call wouldn't go through. lol. I ended up on the voice mail, I hanged up, she sent a text "why did you call me?" I was like oh shit oh shit, I tried to reply but before I could she call me. We had a talk and we apologized to each other.

She told me it wasn't my fault which made me feel good, I'm glad I called in a way ^^
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You've already received a lot of flack for this post, but really think about it: why would she block you? What is the sole reason for blocking someone? I'm going to give you the answer: she doesn't want to talk to you. And you proceed to call her. Come on. You're smarter than this.
 
G

gaiages

Banned
Kurtofan reminds me of the guy I unfollowed and blocked on Twitter on Friday that messaged me on every platform he knew my username on to ask why I blocked him and how his NSFW pictures weren't that bad and that he wasn't berating me etc etc

So um yeah bro take that as you will.

electricshake said:
Think I need to bow out of this thread for a bit, some posts are making me really uncomfortable (and angry!). To those fighting the good fight, I wish you well! To those being weirdo creepers, I do not.
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No please come back ;-;
 
G

gwailo

Banned
william_557 said:
Ok so update

I picked her up from hers and we went to see the movie (me before you a fairly romantic comedy) there was a guy at her place on the couch and i'm not sure what the relation is between them she just introduced me by his name then we left.

We got there early so sat and had a chat for a while which went well then continued chatting in the movie theatre before it started).

Nothing happened during the film which is fine it is the first time we've gone out

(we were in the same high school year a fair few years ago despite not knowing each other at all really and started recently talking on messenger which was going very well with both of us seeming very interested in each other (i know this can be hard to judge via messenger this was due to mutually knowing her cousin)

we both really enjoyed the film although she straight up paid for the tickets before i could even blink so i ended up buying the food. (1 popcorn for myself which she had none of and a water each)

Now we are catching up again on thursday for a drink and then she's coming to watch me perform in this community theatre play i'm in

My question is this how do i continue to play this? i don't know who that guy was or even how to bring it up the relation to each other (if i even should?)

Sorry for the long post i just really like this girl and am new to the whole dating game.

Thanks
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The date seemed to go fine, just go with that and try not to create any obstacles in your mind. I wouldn't bother asking. You will come off as insecure/jealous. It's most likely just a roommate.
 
W

william_557

Member
gwailo said:
The date seemed to go fine, just go with that and try not to create any obstacles in your mind. I wouldn't bother asking. You will come off as insecure/jealous. It's most likely just a roommate.
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Thanks mate i know (no obstacles!) just kinda nervous and overthinking too much i just don't have any experience which hurts my confidence

I definately think we gelled really well and i had a great time.
 
Z

ZackieChan

Member
In normal news, I had a great date with a girl I met on Tinder here on my short sojourn in Seoul. She is actually near my age and successful. Felt good. Sadly, I'm leaving for Tokyo tomorrow and then America, so I won't be back here in forever.

I just went out with her hoping we'd be friends and to have someone to talk and eat with, and I end up catching some feels.
 
G

gaiages

Banned
ZackieChan said:
In normal news, I had a great date with a girl I met on Tinder here on my short sojourn in Seoul. She is actually near my age and successful. Felt good. Sadly, I'm leaving for Tokyo tomorrow and then America, so I won't be back here in forever.

I just went out with her hoping we'd be friends and to have someone to talk and eat with, and I end up catching some feels.
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What, the ultimate player catching feels? What is this thread coming to?

GK86 said:
Dressing up creepiness is a new one.

Next up, is there any way to send a classy dick picture?
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Top hats and draw a monocle on it

Make sure the top hat is too small so it looks bigger

(Because of recent thread developments I want everyone to know I AM JOKING)
 
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